Finding Happiness at Home

After stressful, sleepless nights at the station all I wanted to do is go home to my family and be at peace.  But more often than not, I could not find that peace.  After laughing and joking with the next crew on shift, I would leave the station, begin to feel the tension in my mind and body build as I drove home and 20 minutes later arrive irritable and angry as I walked through the garage door.  Why? What was the shift in attitude?  I determined that at the station I felt in control and constantly maintained a hyper sense of awareness, ready for the next tone to go off and run another call.  At times our calls were chaotic and stressful, but we worked through them in a systematic and methodical way.  There was always structure and protocol. At home I was missing a set of operating procedures and definitely had more than one job to do. As a father I had sick kids, well kids, kids’ sports, meal duties, auto maintenance, home maintenance, budgets, and, as one who has been married for 22 years knows, marriage is always work in progress. There was a lot of stress at home and at work, and both demanded a stress relief valve. Once off duty, I usually planned my social activities with other off-duty firefighters because I wanted to avoid talking to my civilian friends about the “worst call I have ever ran”. Most of the wives were also good friends and liked to hang out together. It was easy and it worked, for awhile.

I believe the reason for my anxiety as I arrived home and my need to blow off steam with other firefighters was because I never created a positive and healthy environment for myself to recover after shift. I never took the time to process the calls, make up hours of lost sleep or simply recognize that I might need help. Instead I would push through the day exhausted, work out every day which provided some stress relief but I would anticipate meeting friends for drinks either in the neighborhood or at a bar. Eventually I couldn’t go out for just a few drinks. I had passed the point where drinking was fun, but I continued to lie to myself and say that I was a social drinker. I tried to shield my family from the horrific details of calls I ran while on shift, but towards the end of my career my drinking increased triggering uncontrollable breakdowns and memories I could not keep shoved away. It was not healthy for me or my family and my hangovers would put me in a depression that lasted for days. 

I retired from the fire department after 20 years and was looking forward to finding the peace I wanted so badly. I thought that sleeping, uninterrupted,  in my own bed every night and being released from the daily grind of running calls would bring me happiness. It didn’t go that way. Six months after I retired, I found myself in a dark place. I sought help from resources available to me, but they were a dead end. I was open to anything that could help me feel better and in December 2017 my wife and I attended a four day meditation retreat in San Diego. This retreat changed my life. It shifted my thoughts and opened me up to a life I didn’t believe would ever exist for me again. It was through the daily practice of meditation that I was able to bring peace back into my life, feel compassion for others and find the strength to walk away from alcohol. It’s been over two years since I first meditated and I am a different man.  The old me was selfish, arrogant and lacked compassion for others. I was quick to judge and took pride in my sharp tongue which criticized and ridiculed anyone in my path. I have found joy, a renewed compassion for others and love for myself. I have found peace and happiness at home. I have introduced meditation to other first responders, active duty and retired, with great responses and hope to share this tool for mental strength and stability with many more so that they may find peace, too. 

Stay safe my brothers and sisters!