What does mental strength mean to you?

During my 20 year career as a professional firefighter paramedic, I would have defined mental strength as the ability to focus during stressful situations. During calls, I would push back any thoughts or feelings of disgust, sorrow or pain to assess and act on the situation in front of me. Back at the station we’d mask any discomfort with sarcasm and off-color humor. It was never a good idea to show weakness at the station. We were trained to be physically strong, but did pushing our feelings aside really equate to mental strength? We built walls so high that it appeared too much to overcome. But really, at what point during our career did we give up the right to be human? Seeing dead bodies every day, every week, year after year is not normal. Throughout my career I found it much easier to compartmentalize any problem I was facing and never seek the help I needed. It never occurred to me that simply asking for help required mental strength. Was I afraid of being labeled by my peers? Too often I turned to alcohol, releasing my anger onto my family and close friends or breaking down crying for no reason, or so I thought. If you were to ask the guys at the station what kind of guy I was, they might say I was “happy”, “fun to work with” and definitely had an anger switch towards the end of my career. I would often hear, “Angry John is back!” When I finally did seek the help I needed, it fell miserably short. TheEAP program the city offered was not very useful. Most of the clinicians on the list were months out to book an appointment or simply not taking new patients. It wasn’t until after I retired that I found mindfulness. This was never a path I thought I would go down, let alone turn into my mission and passion for other men and women who have experienced the same need for a more fulfilled and peaceful life. I attended a 4 day meditation retreat with my wife at the Chopra Center for Wellbeing. I was open to any new ideas, but went more or less to make my wife happy. At the end of the retreat I felt a noticeable shift in me. It’s hard to explain it, but I knew that if this helped me find some peace than I am sure it could help other first responders.

It’s been two years since the retreat and I can say without a doubt that mindfulness has reshaped the way I define mental strength. I have become a Chopra certified meditation instructor and completed mPEAK training at the UCSD Center for Mindfulness. The mPEAK program is comprised of professional athletes, special forces instructors, physicians and several other high performing professionals. We learned how mindfulness is a strength and can be used to improve our goals. Life has absolutely happened to me over the past two years, but I don’t react in the same way I used to. I have found some internal peace and happiness that didn’t exist before.

-John Vargo